Broken

Now its official ... i was cheated ...

she cheated ...

its amazing that i keep on telling myself that everything was just coincedence but now its official and at long last she has already spoken ... i was cheated ...


I keep on telling myself taht i dont deserve this ... i dont have anything at all, i have no looks, no money, no identity, no sense of humor, no principles ... and now even love ...


Now tell me life is fair, tell me that there is something good for me out there, tell me that i have more than what i have, tell me that i am still part of this world, tell me if being human is being complete in ... what a person has ...


I keep on asking myself if i deserve to be happy ... I think now its clear, I dont deserve to be happy, i deserve to be alone, tattered and torn, I deserve to be by myself crying with everything and with just about anything.

I deserve to be hurt, i deserve to be like this, hiding in a happy face with a torn and miserable face beneath ... with every smile comes for a price, a life long of sadness and loneliness ...

I want this to stop, i dont know how to make myself happy, i dont know how to make myself content ...

I dont do deserve ... but ... do I?

confused for all time

I have no idea what to do, the anger is there and also the pain ... especially the pain ... i just dont know what to do ... as she have told me, im just going in circles ... that is true ... im not being logical, being a logical person i am, I am not being rational right now, im being selfish in a way, very selfish ... maybe its because of the pain, and what goes with the pain is the anger ... i just dont know ... some times i just feel silent and just think of the same thing over and over again ... Sometimes there are things that we need to do, and some time opportunities are meant to be, just like fate or death ( hehehe, hangover of final destination )

I know I am not that great of a person, i am very flawed and i am very incomplete and yet what haoppened is so devastating, and now those chances of me being complete are very slim ... I always look at a small child always, in my brain, its telling me that having a son or daughter will bring me happiness, but will it bring me happiness???

Sometimes i really have trouble of making good choices or decision, most of the time it comes up being shitty, or sometimes i tjust blow up of my face. literally ...

Its just unfair to keep on crying, i know its unfair ... I know i deserve to be happy ... But sometimes i just think about this ... Am I really not happy or do I just choose to be sad ???

Ang Buhay kong madilim

Im in my worst right now, i dont know what to feel, i know i'll miss her thats why i cannot let her go and i keep on asking myself if it is really necessary to let her go when eventually i'll end up having her... Or ... will I?

Im in my worst right now, i dont know what to feel, I know im hurting so much and letting her go is the only that will suffice the pain that i am feeling inside and i i keep on asking myself am i really hurting inside even though inside me i know i have forgiven her ... Or ... did I?

Im in my worst right now, i dont know what to feel, I know I should be alone, solitatire, hermit in my own world full of people, because i should be able to do my soul searching so i will know and better understand what makes me tick, i know i love her and i know even though if we part from each other I know i will always get back to her ... Or ... Will I?

So many questions of unerntainty, all being caused by pain and misery, all started because of a temptation that cannot be warded by strength of love but instead it was strengthened by hatred and pain also. Now im trying to endure that the things that just came to me, I didn't chose this, I didn't want this to happen, i just wanted to be happy but instead all i have is pain, all i have is this monster in me crawling and waiting to come out to burst out of the flame, extinguishing the warmth of care and the feeling of trust ...

All I have is anger, all i have is pain, all i have is nothing ... no hope, no warmth ... no love ...

NOW TELL ME

what needs fixing, the heart or the mind ... the feeling or the love ...

My twisted head

Its quite abnormal for a person not to have his wits with him all the time, just like now, i have no idea what im thinking im just typing my hands ... see, i made my idiom ... "im typing my hands"

What do you think ???

A lot of people think that i am a normal person, just jolly sometimes but if only can other see as the way i look at myself ... well, im kinda different

I have a feeling that im gonna put up something stupid here in my blog right now, i just feel like typing.

You know, i really dont know what im thinking as of the moment, one second im thinking about how sad i am right now, then all of sudden i fell i love her and then after that i think of having my life alone. I really dont know what heppening to my life, im 23 years old and im about to be 24, i still dont know what i need is it love or fulfillment ... i dont know, i just dont know ...

Hinanakit #1

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kelangan ganon, actually ito ay isa sa pinakamalaki kong hinanakit sa kanya, bakit kapag ako ang nagkamali parang iba napakalaki ng kasalanan ko, eh napakaliit lang naman nun, na siya rin naman ang dahilan kung bakit nagkaganon.

Kapag minsan iniisip ko kung healthy yung ganito sa amin, siguro para sa aming relationship, pero para sa akin feeling ko hindi, kaya nga akong naging ganito kasi laging sya ang nasusunod. hindi ko alam kung bakit kelangang ganon, wala na akong ginawang tama pero sya lahat ng ginagawa nya tama.

Kapag nagkamali ako, sasabihin nyang hindi ako nakinig sa kanya, ako tahimik lang aaminin at sasabihin na sana nga nakinig na lang ako sa kanya.

Kapag nagkamali sya, ako ang mali at sasabihin nya na sana nagsalita ako, at ako naman hihingi ng tawad kasi sana nga sinabi ko ang isang bagay na hindi ko rin alam.

Kapag may nangyayaring maganda, sa kanya lahat ng puri, siya ang gumawa at sya ang dahilan kung bakit maganda ang nangyari.

Kapag pangit ang nangyari, ako ang may kasalanan, kasi hindi ako marunong magdesisyon ng tama, hindi ako tama, ako ang walang alam ...

Alam mo bang kahit wala kang sinasabi, at alam kong wala kang kibo ... dahil wala kang sinasabi yun ang sinasabi mo sa bawat galaw, sa bawat hindi mo pagtingin, sa mga bawat pagiwas mo sa mga tingin ko, sa lahat ng mga blanko mong expression kapag may masamang nangyari, sa lahat ng mga kasalanan ko sayo, yun lahat ang sinasabi sa bawat pagtahimik mo ...

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko ito kakayanin, almost 5 months na akong ganito, walang direksyon at walang patutunguhan, blanko ang puso dahil kelangang maging blanko para hindi maramdaman ang sakit. ang sakit na dulot ng lahat ng nangyari.

Sa ngayon, masaya pa, pero hindi ko makalimutan ang lumang kasabihan ang labis na kasiyahan ay may kapalit na luha, at ngayon, pagkatapos ng 2 taon na kasiyahan ang kapalit eh ganito ... natatakot na ako, mukhang hindi na kaya ng sistema ko ang lahat ... hindi ko na kayang lumuha pa, ang hirap ang sakit ...

ang sakit .. ang sakit ... AAAAHHHHH ....

Miracle my Ass

I woke up around 5:15 pm, it was a good sleep, i dont have an aching head and I was quite content. I got up of bed, did my daily "waking-up" routine, turned on the tv while cooking my eggs (I hope this statement wont light any green eyes). Any way, naruto was almost over and i have no freaking idea what was happening but when Sakura proposed her love to Saske that was very special, it stunned me for 6 seconds, damn those animes they really know stuff that will strike your attention.

But that was not the big thing tht really struck my thoughts for today, After Naruto I finished up my meal and then changed the channel and watched cinema-one, I watched Forever by Jericho Rosales and Kristine Hermosa, corny but I am a fan of love so no matter how fucking corny the movie is, I will still admire the great things that love can do.

So going back to the movie, it was already in the middle part of the story, everything was going fine then the boy asked "Is it the myth true? , Will the mangoes be sweet because of love" Then Berting Labra said "OO, basta merong pag-ibig na WAGAS at DALISAY" ...

I keep on telling myself that love can do all things, I keep on telling myself that love is always the answer. I always believe that love can do miracles ...well miracle my ass ...

I dont even know the fucking meaning of "WAGAS" and "DALISAY" and yet i want to have that, love that doesnt have any other meaning but love, i wanted that, thats the only thing that i want in my life and that the only thing that can make me feel content. thats the only thing that can make me happy...

I know I have someone right now, the love is there, but the "WAGAS" and "DALISAY" ... its not there, i know its not just in her part i am also at fault. i know i had a point in time that i had that but as of right now everything is just not the same anymore. I just hope that this is just a phase but ... i dont know ... i just dont know ...

Testing

This is a test of my blogspot, i hope i can inspire my self and this is not just for ohter but for myself ...

So if your not paying attention, go home and plant kamote ....